FROM ADDICTIONS TO LIFE PART 6 SPEED (1)

Speed (1)

How I got into it

It was the end of the summer vacation between the 8th and 9th grade. All of the people with whom I was smoking “Weed” were out of town.

The only person who I knew was in town was a girl to whom, we were giving money to buy us “Weed”.

I’m not so sure if she had something like a crush on me, but she definitely wanted f*ck me.

For the most part, I was avoiding talking to her if it wasn’t about “Weed” or about things related to “Weed”.

I can’t remember why, but I guess I simply wasn’t f*cking with her energy.

For unknown to me reasons, when talking to me, “the girl” was always finding way to mention that “Speed” was lit AF. And that I was the exact kind of a guy for it.

Therefore I didn’t have to shy away from it.

Side note:Back then I had the mentality, that if something’s natural, then it was great. But if was synthetic or artificially created, then was really bad. Therefore I wanted to stay away from it by any means.

Studying during the entire summer, not only bored me to death, but also got me very mad to the world.

On top of everything that was happening for 2nd time. And yes, that was the 2nd of those times I old you in the “Weed Part” of the essay.

Hating many things including my own self, back then I was so uninterested in life.

My complexes and self doubt were stronger than ever and I looked obnoxiously worthless in my own eyes.

Big part of it was caused by some family related issues I had. And some traumatic memories of me being in a situation where I had to deal with the same issues.

Regardless that I’m not quite ready to talk about that, I also don’t think I could skip it. Because otherwise you would never be able to understand why this exact substance became my favorite.

The episodes included me, and my other biological parent who happens to be very abusive and arrogant person.

And for the record all of the episodes happened years before I started messing with drugs (including “Weed” & Tobacco).

I used to believe, those episodes marked my personality forever. Or that they damaged me on spiritual  level and because of that I would never be able to be   “completely normal” nor  “good enough”.

I also thought most of the people either knew about that, or were sensing it, when looking into my eyes (like they were able to read my thoughts or something).

The weirdest thing was that I believed that, girls and women in general were able to sense it even better than males (due to their female intuition).

Another part of the reason why I felt like that was because of some kids, who in my eyes had it all figured out.

Me and the same kids were often hanging with each other and we were battling ourselves in order to prove that one was better than the other.

Differently from them, I wasn’t able to afford any studio equipment. And I had massive anxiety they were about outshining me and doing better in the things I wanted to do.

I felt like they were about stealing my dreams, turning them into reality in front of my eyes. And ultimately flexing on me

Side note: That happened way before I got my first equipment. Besides graffiti I was also doing some audio pause tapes and spitting a little bit of bars.

No, I don’t spit bars. And back then it wasn’t in English. So, I believe that it really doesn’t count.

Again. The only reason why I’m bringing this, is to help you understand how it felt back then.

That summer, the girl I told you about, accomplished both of her goals.

How I got hooked on it

1st time: Nothing happened.
2nd time: As long as I can remember nothing happened.

Third Time

While I was waiting to get high, stoned, drunk or maybe to experience all, none of them actually happened.

A completely new and different type of a feel, took me over. It was combination of many things, which until back then, I couldn’t even imagine a particular drug could cause.

There was emotional build up and very strong mental and physical rushes, which were reflecting as goosebumps and shivers, all over my body (especially my jaw).

Back then I was calling them waves.

The waves were some form of representations of all of my thoughts and actions.

Do you remember, how I started the post and what I described as an end result of my weed smoking?

In a blink of an eye all of my inferiority complexes were gone and my personality was no longer marked . Now I felt like I was definitely “good enough”.

No longer lacking confidence, I actually had excessive amounts of it regardless that I wasn’t understanding it at first.

The girl always wanted to hear me spitting bars. For months she was asking me to do it before her, but I really didn’t want to.

Partly because I was a bit shy and partly because, I felt like she was a fake one. And she wasn’t down enough with the culture.

This time things were different. Maybe I was different.

She asked me to do it, and I immediately accepted. While doing was when I noticed the strong confidence boost I was actually getting.

I was able to keep going as long as I wanted and to say whatever I wanted in rhymes.

While doing it was when I started noticing the strong confidence boost I was actually getting.

There were no shyness, nor any form of insecurities whatsoever.  I felt free..

After I was done, she told me that I was “the s*it” and that what I’ve done was incredible.

Hearing her words and getting that recognition/verification felt so good that it took the high on a whole new level.

Later also became one of the primary reasons why I got hooked on it and one of the things which I craved the most.

Then…

I felt like I’ve always been ready to do something, like I was chosen for it.

At that point I had no idea what, but I knew I had some unique destiny to fulfill.

Looking deep into my soul triggered all sorts of fantasies about scratching, winning battles and making beats. Those thoughts partly provided the answer of my question.

By talking to my company, I found that I was able to understand her better than ever.

Engaged in the conversation, like never before, I was sharing my dreams and parts of my life story in very deep details.

I got very compassionate, empathetic and emotional about pretty much everything, but most importantly about myself.

Limitations no longer existed: A feel very close to the one I had, most of the time before I started going to school.

Only even thinking about it brought back my interest in life in just few moments.

Almost like all of the happiness in the world was waiting for me to experience it. But the key to it was deeply hidden somewhere inside me.

Partly because my whole being was craving it and partly because, I was so incredibly happy finally found it.

I couldn’t handle the emotions and, I cried. No sobbing or noises whatsoever. Just some tears on my cheeks.

 

The whole thing I would describe as an emotional orgasm/ejaculation.

Yes, it was in front of her.

She never found what the reason was. But she also didn’t miss to later tell some other kids. So they could make fun of me.

You can make fun of me too 🙂

Expecting the girl’s actions, they weren’t concerning me at all.

The way I felt was that, from “now on” there was nothing I should worry about.

Like all of my insecurities, fears and family or school related issues, simply no longer existed.

No, it wasn’t like I didn’t care about all of those things. I was more like they simply weren’t there.

And even if they were they would never prevent me from feeling this way again. I felt untouchable and nothing could interfere my well being.

Something or someone promised that to me, in a very convincing way deep inside me.

While just 15 minutes ago, I thought I had  chances against the kids with whom we were battling each other, now they no longer appeared as thread to me.

The whole thing that they were about outshining me was no longer making sense in my head. And you best believe that this also massively contributed, why the substance became my favorite.

If I have to tell exactly how I felt back then by using only 3 words then “Unfuckwithable/Unkillable” gets the job done perfectly.

Last thoughts From My First Times

All of the Inspiration, Creativity and Dreams which Rappers were saying Weed was giving them, it never gave to me.

The amphetamine on the other hand was providing, all of that, plus so much more.

Even though for quite a while, I didn’t want admit it, 2 things were for sure:

·Obviously I was in love with it.
·That was the beginning of the end of my weed smoking.

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